The Technical Audit: A+ Execution
A side-by-side comparison showing the specific structural and vocabulary shifts required to move a Text Response essay from a 63% (C) to a 96% (A+).
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Analysis of This Essay’s Grade Increase
Structure:
The 63% version of this essay is largely structured around Noah’s life and experiences, but did not explore the deeper ideas and common threads behind these experiences (generally, themes reflect these bigger ideas about any given topic). The 96% version is structured around these themes (in this instance, Noah’s specific ideas about race, law, humanity and connection). It then uses Noah’s life stories as pieces of evidence to support the arguments made about the text’s themes. This is one of the core means by which VCAA examiners distinguish a middling essay from an excellent one.
Use of evidence and consequent analysis:
The higher-scoring essay consistently uses at least 3 pieces of evidence in every body paragraph, while varying the kind of evidence it uses (for examples, references to specific scenes as well as short, meaningful quotes taken from the text). Critically, every piece of evidence is tied to both the paragraph’s sub-argument, as well as the essay’s contention, ensuring that the argument never wanders off-track. The analysis of that evidence explains exactly why this piece of evidence is of paramount importance and how it links to both the sub-argument and contention (and in doing so, reaffirms the connection to the essay’s discussion of themes presented in the prompt.
Linguistic Sophistication:
General descriptions used in the 63% essay were replaced by more sophisticated vocabularly, and where possible, with specific academic terms. This shows that the student not only understands and appreciates more advanced and cultivated language, but has greater control of lingistic nuance and connotations themselves. For example, the sentence in the first essay, "Trevor's mum was brave" evolved into "Patricia’s resilience is rooted in an unshakeable sense of selfhood that transcends colour." We also used terms like "bureaucratic war," "linguistic fluidity," and "administrative order" to demonstrate verbal dexterity and the strong grasp of complex concepts that VCAA examiners tend to reward.